First?

What do I buy for my apartment first? 

I would really like for my butt to not hurt because I'm still sitting on the floor in my living room. 

So I would like to buy a couch. 

But then again I kind of still need a vacuum. 

Or do I buy the vacuum? 

Paycheck says I have to choose one.

Which comes first?

Adult decisions/fun decisions 

(couch being the fun decision and vacuum being something that is necessary but I don't really want to use my money to buy, but will have to anyways eventually.)

Man, I am getting old. I just called buying a couch fun.

PS. I had an awkward story for you. But I think I'll save it for next Wednesday. I'll give you a brief, it's called, "This one time I thought this guy was gay."
Stay Tuned.

Deserving.

I think there is one thing I have learned from my past relationships.

I deserve it all.

I used to always put myself as the problem and that I'm being treated the way I was because I did something wrong. 

Consequences of a "people pleaser" personality unfortunately. 

But to not realize that I was sacrificing my own happiness because I felt like that was how a relationship worked is not healthy.

I deserve it all.

No more Miss Nice Girl. I am worth everything, and deserve to have "it all" in my companionships.

When I look back, I try to think of something I could have done better, or what I needed to fix in these relationships. And to be honest, I'm not perfect, but I feel like looking back I couldn't give any more to my relationships than I did. 

I deserve someone who is willing to give back.

I deserve someone who is willing to work on our relationships.

I deserve someone who knows it's not a one-way street.

I deserve someone who I am their everything.

I deserve to never to have someone make me feel like I'm the one with the problem all the time.

I deserve to feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

I deserve someone who is completely honest.

I deserve to NOT be cheated on emotional or physically.

I deserve someone who thinks I'm worth it all.

That's what I deserve. I deserve it all.

And I'm so over being fooled.

And to those who did cheat. Just know that when you move on, she will ALWAYS be a Poor Man's Lauren. 

Unless you are Jessica Burd, because you were awesome. We tried so hard to not like each other, but that just wasn't possible due to our awesomeness. You were too good for him too.

I am worth it and having it all. I will one day.

I deserve it all.

Anger.

I could write a mean Taylor Swift song right about now.

That's how mad I am.

Freeeeezing.

California.

Between dramatic temperatures drops and Real Housewive shows I think they have enough overreacting and drama for one state. 

Also, California- once you've reached Artic chills you'll realize that UGG boots don't count as winter wear.

 

I can say this, because I used to live there. I have no sympathy.

Thanks Dani for sharing this awesome clip. 

Now cue all the Californians so get all defensive...AND....go!

Home.

Today I got my FIRST keys to my FIRST apartment for the FIRST time by myself.

I'm sure some of you can imagine, but I never thought this day would come. 

I feel excited, scared, worried, happy, etc.

I'm excited to start something new.

I'm scared that I'll be lonely.

I worry about money (big commitment)

But I'm happy about my choice and step in life.

Cute one bedroom, one bath, wood burning fireplace, walk-in closet, East Bench Utah, closer to work, animal friendly, nice pool, etc.

I have too much space and not enough furniture to fill it. My furniture consists of my bed frame, bed, and a borrowed love sack from my parents for the living room. One piece that I will most likely give back one day.

 

Now on to Pinterest to find out how I want to decorate the darn place.

.

When you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were. 

-Unknown

Distractions.

Distractions are the only thing I can do right now, because any minute I have to myself to think to about how I'm feeling, I cry.

Although, I've been trying to keep busy in those moments I don't know what else to do. I can't change anything no matter hard I try and to go back to where I didn't fill my free time with tears.

But this past week Life served me a double scoop of crap. And the only translation I can express is sadness.

I'm going to let myself cry right now, let myself feel sorry for myself for some time. I believe it's okay to do so. 

I normally reserve the negative parts of life outside of my blog and only in my journal with my deepest secrets and desires. And there are still some of those things that I do not feel comfortable sharing. Sharing unhappy thoughts in a blog is already awkward, but I think it makes us human. That's what really sharing your true self to others that read and may not really know you is okay sometimes. Life has great moments, funny moments, but everyone has sadness.

I will not dedicate several posts to the depressing issues, because let's be honest, everyone will get sick of it. But I think I need to get used to the fact that I don't always have to fun and exciting, and that I shouldn't be scared to share the bad as well. We are humans.

This is not a place that I want people feel sorry for me, but a place where I want them to understand me. This is who I am, and right now I'm sad.

I'm sad because I no longer have my best friend, the person I grew with for so many years, and the first person that I have ever truly felt what love is.

Distractions. It's all I can think of. So if anyone would like to contribute to helping distract me, feel free, I'll say yes to pretty much anything that will help.